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Dear Aunty Raine,

I am a married man aged 32 and I come to you because my marriage is in crisis.

I just know that my wife is being unfaithful to me. She denies it, of course, but I am certain that she is constantly having sex with other men.

For instance; we went to stay at a nice hotel for a weekend break and argued the whole time after I accused her of only booking us in there because she wanted to have an affair with the man on the reception desk. When we arrived I dealt with him while we signed in, she went and looked at the ‘things to do locally’ leaflets that were on a stand by the front doors. But I absolutely know that they wanted to sleep together because when we came down for dinner, after unpacking on the Friday night, and we walked past the reception area he SPOKE TO HER!

He said ‘Enjoy your meal Madam!’

She said ‘Oh, thank you, I’m sure I will’

Now what do you make of that?????

Obviously it was code for something else. The ‘meal’ he referred to was a euphemism for sex! The minute my back was turned they’d have been at it. I urinated with the bathroom door open all weekend so I could watch her in case she ran downstairs to snog him while I was in there. When I needed to go in there for ‘the other call of nature’ I had her sing outside the bathroom door.

Although it would have been a happier experience for me if she’d known the words to any song other than ‘Old Macdonald’ all the way through. Her cow impersonations are just dreadful.

On the Saturday we went out for the day to a local tourist attraction ‘The Bentleg Caves’ and I almost got into a fight with the pensioner who handed us our information leaflets when we paid our entrance fee. I couldn’t believe how suggestively he rolled it up and put it in her hand.

Then when we were on the cave tour they turn the lights down at one point so you can see a pinprick of daylight right up high in the cave rooftop.

When the lights came back on my wife had definitely moved position. Her left foot was a good quarter of an inch forward to what it had been. What had she been up to while we were plunged into darkness?

I said to her ‘Right! let’s have it’ and pointing to the other male tourists said ‘how many of these men have you just touched?’

Why does she keep doing this to me when I love her so?

How can I get through to her that I am the only one she needs?

Yours, constantly cheated on, Dick, Biggleswade.

Aunty Raine says:

Dear Big Dick,

your mother named you right didn’t she? I’m just hoping that your last name is ‘Head’.

Your wife is not guilty of any infiddle……..inflidoodle………….infinitiedelity………………of being unfaithful to you.

I don’t believe in beating about the bush so I’ll just spell it out for you: you’re round the frigging bend mate. It’s all in your mind and if your wife has enough of your constant mad accusations one day, beats you to death with her library book and buries your body in the back garden, don’t come running to me!

Now do one you mad bastard!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! The Bentleg caves house a particularly fine collection of stalactites!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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