Life of a Lady Magazine

Dear Aunty Jean,

I am thinking of divorcing my husband of six weeks on the grounds of mental cruelty.

It all started when we were on our honeymoon to the beautiful tropical island of  ‘Spendyamunny’. I went out onto the balcony of our beach house and there was a snake on the ground. I have a terrible phobia of them and screamed the place down.

My husband came running outside and burst out laughing, he said ‘That won’t hurt you, it’s a harmless variety,  it’s a Lemon Adder. It’s got no teeth and only eats citrus fruit!’

This did nothing to reassure me, I said ‘I have a snake phobia! I don’t care what type it is!’

I ran back inside and he joined me a few moments later, looking very downhearted.

He told me that he had removed the snake to a safe place and so I wasn’t to worry. But then he came out with ‘Actually, it’s a bit of a shame you having a snake phobia, because I absolutely love them and was going start keeping them as pets in our new home’

The shock of him saying this hit me like a ton of bricks and I fainted!

I don’t know how long I actually passed out for, but my husband tipping a bottle of water over my head brought me back round again.

‘Thank you darling’ I said.

‘That’s quite alright sweetheart’ he said , and then went on ‘I’m hoping you can try to work through this snake phobia, it’s always been a dream of mine to own…….’

And that’s all I heard before blacking out again. There was no more water left in the bottle so my husband made the snap decision to tip a bottle of milk over me. I quickly came round again and was briefly horrified to find myself covered in white fluid. I wondered what the hell was going on!

Anyway, I told my husband in no uncertain terms that snakes were out of the question. The rest of the honeymoon went as well as can be expected when 50% of the happy couple is miserable.

But since we got back home and moved into our new house he has been goading me about snakes. He says I’m imagining it all. What do you think?

  1. He brought home a draught excluder for the front door, which we don’t need. Of course it resembled a snake and made me hysterical. I told him to get rid of it and I swear that I heard him sniggering all the way to the bin.
  2. At least twice a day he nonchalantly walks into the living room waving the vacuum hose about. Every time I scream at him to stop it as it looks like a snake he says ‘Oh does it dear?’ and just wanders off with it again.
  3. He keeps cooking spaghetti for dinner. Well, it just looks like a plate of snakes doesn’t it?
  4. He bought me a feather ‘boa’. Which just speaks volumes. I set fire to it.

What do you think? Is he trying to wear me down into giving in re the snake problem? I really am thinking of leaving him. I can’t go on much longer.

Yours, not liking long wriggly things, Ursula, Hastings

Aunty Jean says:

Dear wriggling Ursula,

well, perhaps he is trying to break you of your phobia by the method of gradual exposure to what you are afraid of. I understand that this is a form of therapy employed by some very well renowned experts in the field. It is something recommended by several leading psychologists as a gentle and effective way to rid people of their irrational and yet paralysing fears.

It could also be that he is a juvenile little twerp who is getting back at you because he can’t get his own way.

Which is what my gut instinct tells me is the case.

Yes, go ahead and divorce him and one day you’ll read in the newspaper that he’s been strangled in his own kitchen by his pet Lesser Spotted Boa Constrictor.

Who’ll be sniggering then?

Hope that helps! Aunty Jean

Remember! Teaching a snake to bark at the postman will always end in disappointment!

 

 

 

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