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Dear Aunty Raine,

I was a happily married man of 42 and had been trying to give up smoking for quite some time without success.

A couple of weeks ago in desperation I thought I’d give hypnotherapy a try. My first session went well enough, but while I was chatting with my therapist, after she brought me round, she mentioned that she also did ‘regression’ sessions.

I knew a little bit about it of course and was quite intrigued to be put under and see if I have ever lived before in a previous existence.

My therapist had a special half price promotion on ‘former life’ hypnotism that day so I took advantage of the offer.

When I woke up again I was utterly amazed that my therapist gave me a deep curtsey.

‘Sire!’ she said in a wavering voice.

‘Actually’ I said ‘My name’s Brian, in case you’ve forgotten’

She said ‘No my liege, it has emerged while you were under that you were Henry the 8th in a past existence!’

I’m not an overly cynical person but I did say ‘I’ve been happily married to the same woman for fifteen years. I could never chop her head off. Not even if she asked me to. Are you sure I was him?’

‘Without doubt your Majesty! The voice of Henry the 8th came through your orifice loud and clear and said ‘My legs are playing me up something terrible!’

Well, this swung it for me. I know Henry the 8th had leg problems. And I’ve got a painful shin too! What other evidence did I need?

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my wife, but was extremely disappointed by her response.

She said ‘Are you off your frigging head?’

I assured her that I wasn’t and ignoring her further protestations I went on the internet to look up Henry the 8th fancy dress costumes, and bought a dozen right off. Some of them are very good quality and I will save for special occasions. The cheaper ones I have been using for day wear and for the office. I must say they make mowing the lawn a bit difficult. Cut grass is a bugger to pick out of your tights.

Well, I’d like to say that everyone was delighted for me but my wife is filing for divorce, citing amongst other things that I keep asking for swan and oven chips for dinner and I am on a final warning at work for humming ‘Greensleeves’ all day.

Apparently it’s sending my colleagues insane, but since my previous life has come to the fore I just can’t seem to stop myself.

I do feel that things are slightly falling apart for me but how can I ignore my ‘other self’?

Doreen Crabtree, my hypnotherapist has said that she’s willing to see my boss on my behalf, to give him a little more understanding of my condition. She did try talking to my wife, but it ended with Ms Crabtree leaving our house with a bowl of trifle on her head.

I have to be true to myself, but am losing everything. How can I make people accept me as my new self? Or is it old self? Whichever.

Yours, not finding any stags to hunt on our housing estate, Henry the 8th, Winchester

Aunty Raine says:

Dear stags estate,

brace yourself.

You are the 11th person who has written to me this week that this Doreen Crabtree has ‘regressed’

I’ve had 3 Henry the 8th’s (One who had a terrible accident with his codpiece, which lead to a very embarrassing trip to A & E) 2 Bonapartes, 3 Elizabeth the 1st’s, 2 Winston Churchills and a Queen Victoria. Her husband has filed for divorce because he’s refusing to be called ‘Darling Albert’ while they’re in Asda doing their grocery shop.

This Crabtree woman is a con artist and you’ve been had! If the costume companies won’t refund the money you spent on your Henry the 8th gear, and who can blame them where the tights are concerned, then I suggest you sue this woman for compensation.

I can put you onto a very good solicitor friend of mine ‘Sal Gianotti’ if you’d like. He’s due for parole next week, so should be out in time to represent you. Just drop me another line and let me know if you’re interested.

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! Most people feel like de-capitating their spouses from time to time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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