Dear Aunty Jean,
as my husband was taking his jacket off when he came home from the office last night, his wallet fell out of his pocket and as I picked it up off the floor, something dropped out of it.
My husband saw it too and made a desperate grab for it but just wasn’t quick enough. To my horror I found that it wasn’t a love letter from a mistress or a condom packet………it was much worse. Something which has shaken me to my toenails.
It was a Labour party membership card with his name on it!
I fell to my knees and through sobs which wracked my whole body I managed to splutter ‘Rupert! How could you?’
He said ‘Well, I think that their economic policies are very sound……..’
I got up and went to the portrait of Baroness Thatcher which we have hanging in our vestibule.
I pointed at her and said ‘Doesn’t the memory of this great lady mean anything to you?’
He just sighed and said ‘To tell you the truth Penelope, I’ve always voted Labour. I just didn’t want to tell you because how prone to being hysterical you are’
‘I not an hysteric’ I screamed ‘How dare you say that?’
Then he said ‘And for the record I think Margaret Thatcher was a sociopathic cow’
Violently sobbing, I dragged myself to the drawing-room and called the Samaritans. I have to say that they are not the emotional support that they claim to be. The man on the phone didn’t seem to have a great deal of sympathy at all with the fact that a Labour government may mean we’d have to give up one of our holiday homes and maybe even cut back to just the 6 cars.
And then this morning another bombshell came: My husband came clean that he’s been paying our household staff and gardeners ABOVE THE MINIMUM WAGE!
How could he do this to me?
Just to clarify my position: All these years the man I thought I knew I didn’t know because he wasn’t the man I thought he was but was another man all the time when he was pretending to be the man he appeared to be.
My whole marriage has been a sham. What should I do? Divorce him? I just don’t know.
Yours, living with a closet socialist, oh woe is me, Penelope, Kensington
Aunty Jean says:
Dear living closet,
I must say that my devoted secretary Miss Tiffany had to waft me with the smelling salts after reading your distressing letter. I am devastated for you.
As for your husband’s comments re Baroness Thatcher, personally I would like to see criticism of her made a criminal offence. He is a disgrace!
And about the membership card? If you’d come home and found him in a mini skirt, painting his toenails it would have been less of a shock.
What a terrible thing! You poor woman.
Divorce is the obvious answer, but how would that impact on your lifestyle?
What I suggest is that you go along to a good, private, reputable doctor who will give you whatever pills you ask for if the price is right, and start dropping the psychiatric drugs into his morning tea. Because clearly he is insane! If they don’t work then I’m afraid you may have to look at the divorce option again.
Keep me posted.
Hope that helps! Aunty Jean
Remember! It is completely unethical to expect the rich to pay tax!