Dear Aunty Jean,
We’ve been married for 24 years and I have always thought that my husband and I had a normal relationship. Our ‘love life’ has always been very adequate.
But then the other night, as were beginning to ‘make love’, I say beginning to as I had only just put a tick next to ‘Stage 2: Geoffrey touches Lucinda’s knee’ on the ‘Sexual checklist’ which we keep on a clipboard under our mattress, when he suddenly took the clipboard off me and threw it across the room.
I said ‘Geoffrey have you gone mad? You know we both agreed to the sexual checklist after that time you unexpectedly plunged your tongue into my ear and I thought I’d gone deaf’
He got out of bed and tore his pyjama top off; I screamed ‘No Geoffrey! Your pyjama top stays on until Stage 10!’
He stood there before me and sounding like a complete maniac he said ‘Look darling, I just feel that I’d like things to be a little more natural when we make love. I’m awfully sorry to bring it up, but there it is!’
I was horrified!
Then, if that wasn’t bad enough he went to his bedside cabinet drawer and pulled a snorkel mask out.
He said ‘I don’t expect you to say ‘yes’ right away, but I wonder if you might consider wearing this mask when we make love, not all the time, but maybe on special occasions; birthdays, the anniversary of your mother emigrating to Australia, that kind of thing’
Well, I was dumbfounded! A snorkel mask? I said ‘You want us to make love in the bath do you?’
He said ‘No, water doesn’t feature anywhere at all. It’s just the mask which I find, well, quite erotic’
In all the years we’ve been married I have never heard him say the word ‘erotic’ before.
I burst into to tears and told him never to wave his snorkel in my face again.
I have spent the last 48 hours sobbing.
The snorkel mask isn’t in his drawer anymore, I’ve checked. But things are very tense between us. Where do we go from here? He is generally a good husband and spends a lot of time in his shed which is why we’ve previously had such a happy marriage.
Please help me!
Yours, realising I’m married to a pervert, Lucinda, Somerset
Aunty Jean says:
Dear married to a pervert,
I don’t blame you for being upset! I’ve heard some things since I’ve been running my advice column; only last week a lady wrote to me saying her husband wanted to have ‘Happy days are here again’ playing in the background when they made love, she was quite appalled as one would expect, but what your husband is suggesting is really quite shocking.
Fortunately we are living in the days of the internet and my devoted secretary Miss Tiffany has pointed me in the direction of several websites which she visits to purchase ‘nerve pills’. Happily we have found one which sells ‘Husband strength bromide pills’.
The web address is http://www.keephimundercontrol.com.org.uk.usa.theworld
Drop a few of these pills into his tea and you’ll just be discussing library books at bedtime and all this ‘making love’ business will be a thing of the past before you know it!
Hope that helps! Aunty Jean!
Remember! Buy him a second shed to REALLY improve your marriage!