Dear Aunty Jean,
My wife and I have been fairly happily married for 30 years and successfully raised 2 of our children to be normal. Our 3rd son is something of a ‘black sheep’ having dropped out of university to spend his life protesting against tarmac. But the less said about him the better, especially since he went to live in a shack with a topless girl called ‘Moondust’.
Anyway, my wife decided to take up salsa dancing to get her out of the house a bit more. I haven’t been able to join myself as I suffer from unresponsive knees.
I was quite happy for her to join the class; it means I can watch my golf programmes in peace while she is out and eat chocolate biscuits without criticism, but I am somewhat concerned now.
She has met a man, who also attends the classes and who she has taken up with as her dance partner. He was calling himself ‘Alonso’ and had told my wife that he is a retired Mediterranean sculptor who came to this country to follow his dream of experiencing frequent rain.
We bumped into him last week at the shops and my wife introduced him to me. Well, I recognised him straight away! Sculptor my foot! He used to come into the business which I owned to re-stock the fizzy pop machine. His name is ‘Frank’.
And he comes from Salford. He also only had 3 teeth when I knew him and now he is sporting a shiny set of dentures that could have been designed for a horse. Clearly his dentist has a grudge against him.
I tackled him about this and while he was very embarrassed, my wife jumped to his defence! She said I should have done the polite thing and pretended not to have recognised him!
I thought that exposing this man would have put her off, but she has in fact booked up with him to ‘Learn Lambada’ classes.
I am very worried that they might be having an affair. What do you think? Should I be concerned?
Yours, unable to rumba, Andrew, Alderley Edge
Aunty Jean says:
Dear unable Andrew,
firstly I would like to offer my condolences with regards to your abnormal son. I would also advise against inviting him and this ‘Moondust’ character for Christmas day.
I certainly wouldn’t want a pair of naked breasts in my sitting room during the Queen’s speech!
As for your wife: this Frank with his false teeth, from Salford, may seem very glamorous and perhaps her head has been turned a little, but do I think she’s having an affair?
Well, on balance, I have to say ‘No’.
There is no way that ‘Frank’ has got the same pension benefits as you. Why would she risk losing, what I assume is a fairly comfortable retirement given your address and career as a businessman, to run away with him and live in a council flat?
And that’s before we get started on the expensive car you must drive! I bet she won’t trade that in for a bus pass!
And she might love you as well. Probably. Yes. Possibly. Who knows?
Anyway, the shine will soon wear off ‘Frank’ when he drops out to your wife that he doesn’t employ a cleaning lady. So stop worrying and just enjoy those chocolate biscuits!
Hope that helps! Aunty Jean
Remember! 1, 2 together, 1, 2 together!