Life of a Lady Magazine

Dear Aunty Jean,

A couple of weeks ago my fiance, Simon, made the mistake of writing to Hot Chat Magazine’s ‘Aunty Raine’ for some advice.

He has recently, accidentally, almost killed my mother on several occasions. These near-death experiences have all been completely by chance, although my mother doesn’t quite see it that way. She maintains that he deliberately set a crazed sheep on her at a local country park, but I know that he had nothing to do with encouraging the animal whatsoever.

And yes it’s true that after he bought her a bouquet of flowers with some lilies in, which she is highly allergic to, her head swelled up to 3 times its normal size. I did try cheering her up about it, I said she just looked like she’d had some Botox done, but she wasn’t having any of it and told me to break off the engagement.

Her head is back to normal now, more or less. But she won’t let it go and is now saying that if I marry him she will mount a protest outside the church against our wedding and has already started making a placard.

And now we get on to ‘Aunty Raine’.

My fiance wrote to her, detailing all that had happened over the last few weeks and she told him he is under a curse! Then she sent him off to see this friend of hers who is just starting up a local cult. His name is ‘Realisatodor’ and he charged my fiance £200 to perform a ‘curse removal ceremony’. Apart from my fiance being asked to wear high heels and a boob tube, this ceremony seemed to involve little more than ‘Realisatodor’ smacking him round the face with a cod fillet, whilst singing ‘Come on baby light my fire’.

Although my fiance did say that he felt somewhat liberated after the ceremony, it really hasn’t changed anything.

Just yesterday he had to run mother up to A & E again, after he invited us both to watch him play cricket. Her suggestion that he deliberately broke her nose and briefly knocked her unconscious with his cricket bat is simply ridiculous. It flew out of his hand as he hit the ball and could have hit anyone in the crowd. It was just unlucky for her that she chose that moment to stand up and stretch her legs.

To make matters worse he is now talking about going back to this ‘Realisatodor’ to give the curse removal another shot. He really is so desperate to put things right with my mother.

I’m also worried about him visiting this cult leader again as ‘Realisatodor’ gave my fiance a 20% money off voucher to use against his subscription fee, should he decide to join them. While he says he isn’t interested, I know that he’s a big fan of 1960’s music and this cult believes that they must sing the 1961 song, by Barry Mann ‘Who put the bomp, in the bomp, bomp, bomp’ outside our local library at 4.am every morning. As far as I understand it ‘Realisatodor’ claims to have had a message from an extra terrestrial being, named ‘Aroopio’, who will come and beam them all up to his planet if they go through this nonsense for a full year.

I have tried contacting ‘Aunty Raine’, her number is in the phone book, she hasn’t even had to good sense to go ‘ex-directory’. I phoned her up and got through to her answer phone message.  She sounded extremely drunk. First she says ‘Jushleaveyanumber’ and then there are 52 seconds of her singing ‘It’s a long way to Tipperary’, with another drunk woman whom I take to be her daughter Shanice Denise, then one of them says ‘Machine’s still on! Itsh tapin’ ush!’ then Aunty Raine says again ‘Jushleaveyanumber’ and then it switches off.

So having no joy with her, I come to you!

How can my fiance win my mother round and how can I steer him away from joining this cult with it’s tempting interest in the ‘sounds of the 60’s’?

Yours, applying an icepack to mother’s ankle because my fiance has just shut her foot in the car door, Jennifer, Stevenage

Aunty Jean says:

Dear applying a foot,

I can’t say that I am surprised to hear that the dreadful Ms Raine Vincent has made such a hash of dealing with your fiance’s problem!

And it’s just like her to send him off to one of her ‘friends’. Scam artist more like!

The woman is in with all sorts of dodgy people. Even the ‘Cosy Nostrils’! I’m not afraid to say it, she’s mates with the mafia!

And I couldn’t care less if I wake up one morning to find a horse’s head staring at me from the other side of my pillow, I will not be silenced!

Tell your fiance to steer well clear of this ‘Realisatodor’.

Is he under a curse? I don’t think so. But at any rate I have asked a friend of my own, the Reverend Titfield, to pop along and sprinkle some holy water on your fiance just to be on the safe side.

As for your mother, if she isn’t prepared to risk almost certain death at some point for your future happiness then just do the sensible thing and only allow her and your fiance to communicate via the internet. There really is no need for physical contact at all these days! I myself haven’t been touched by another human being for a good 3 years.

I will of course be reporting Ms Raine Vincent to OFAG, the watchdog for Agony Aunts. Hopefully they will at least suspend her for some time and maybe she will reflect on her behaviour. Fingers crossed!

Hope that helps! Aunty Jean

Remember! If anyone reading this has been affected by someone slapping them with a piece of fish then please call the charity ‘Say no to seafood violence’ on 018946288422877444444412889995!

 

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