Life of a Lady Magazine

Dear Aunty Jean,

I am absolutely distraught! My daughter, aged 18, has dropped out of college and has been accepted to appear on the TV reality show ‘The Only Way Is A Big Abandoned Drilling Platform’.

She, and a gaggle of other young people are being shipped off to the luxury of a former North Sea oil drilling platform, where they will all sit in the same kitchen for several weeks, whilst getting drunk and swearing at each other.

I know this is how it will go as I saw last year’s series and was horrified!

And they were all ‘at it’ like rabbits!

I have tried reasoning with her but she said ‘Look Mother, I just don’t want to get old, look back in life, and feel that I’ve wasted my 38f sized breasts. Plenty of other well endowed girls have made a fortune in reality TV and some of them have even gone on to successfully marry unfaithful footballers!’

I said ‘What about your education? Didn’t you want to be a doctor?’

She scoffed and said ‘No, that was your idea! Just stop and think about it; I have the choice between doing years of work to spend my life dealing with hysterical parents who have brought their toddlers into the surgery with a minor cold, or I can do sod all and potentially marry a millionaire’

I told her ‘But I’ve been so proud of you! I’ve even told everyone in the office that you’re going in for medicine. What will they think?’

When she said that she couldn’t care less about what my work colleagues thought, I burst into tears. She did pat my head for a couple of seconds, but that’s as far as her sympathy went.

How can I make her see sense?

Yours, disappointed and wishing for her to become a brain surgeon, Verity, Suffolk

 

Aunty Jean says:

Dear wishing for a brain,

Firstly I have to say that my devoted secretary Miss Tiffany and I were stumped at what you meant by they were ‘at it’ like rabbits. However, Miss Tiffany did a few internet searches and the full horror of what you were referring to was revealed!

I know I’m a voice in the wilderness on this, but it was a sad moment in the history of this country when chastity belts were phased out.

Of course you are appalled at what she is planning to do, who wouldn’t be? But legally, and both Miss Tiffany and myself have looked into this for you, it seems that you can’t actually stop her from going.

However, you can help work towards stopping other girls in the future from going down the same route as your daughter by joining the ‘Families Against Repugnant Traits’ association. I myself am an honorary member and wear my ‘FART’ badge with pride!

The association aims to educate young people against doing what comes naturally to them and instead guides them into career paths, that they may not always like, but will ultimately give their parents something to really show off about. And that’s all that matters.

Hope that helps! Aunty Jean

Remember! Large breasts are responsible for the decline in moral standards in this country!

 

 

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