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Dear Aunty Raine,

I have been a devoted husband to my wife for the past 13 years. However, it certainly hasn’t been a ‘two way street’. She has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage.

It started on our wedding night, when she disappeared behind the marquee we had for our reception, with my Best Man ‘Flaubert’. He was French and I became good mates with him 15 years ago while we were both taking an evening course at our local college, just for a bit of fun, called ‘Mussolini: The Dancing Dictator’.

The course was a bit of shock as when we started it as we had both thought it was a Lambada dancing course. Neither of us had heard of this Mussolini and assumed that he was a star of ‘Celebrity Balls’, the TV ballroom dancing show. Actually it was quite depressing as it was all about this Mussolini chap and he didn’t come across as being very nice. We only stuck it for 3 weeks.

Anyway, back to the wedding: I went behind the marquee and found Flaubert and my wife Ronda, locked in a passionate embrace. My wife tried telling me that he was only hugging her to keep her warm as the evening had got quite chilly, but as I said to her at the time ‘Then why has he got your garter between his teeth?’

I decided to put it behind me as I wanted to make the marriage work and we had been bought a lovely new toaster by my Aunt Sylvia and I was looking forward to trying it out.

We happily went on our honeymoon to Spain. We were enjoying a lovely meal in a traditional restaurant on our first night there, when Ronda said she needed to go to the ladies’ room. She was gone for quite a while and I became worried. Imagine my shock when I got up to investigate and found her at the service entrance of the restaurant smothering blancmange all over the Head Waiter’s lower regions!

We had a few words about that!

But I decided, again, to keep the marriage going as my vows really meant something to me. For better or for worse. But now after 13 years of finding her in compromising situations with our bank manager, the barman at our local pub, her boss, my boss, our brother-in-law, my Dad, 4 of my best friends, our gym instructor (How they managed to have sex on a running machine which was set for full speed, I don’t know!), our local librarian, 17 waiters and the man off the fish stall at our local market, I am at the end of my tether!

Will she ever get over this constant straying? I do love her and when she isn’t humping other men she is very good company.

Yours, cheated on by my philandering spouse, Alan, Eccles

Aunty Raine says:

Dear philandering Eccles cake,

your wife clearly has a ‘sex addiction’. I went through something very similar myself  a few years ago; there are a couple of rugby teams with very happy memories of me! LOL!

But I did seek help for it in the end as it was, quite frankly, taking up too much of my time. I went to that well-known sex-therapist ‘Marjorie Clapham-Pistolaro’.

While she doesn’t come cheap, she certainly gets the job done!

She used hypnotherapy on me and at the end of it if I saw more than one man’s ‘doo-dah’ a week I would scream out ‘You can put that thing away! I’m celibate!’.

It worked a treat and still does. We’ve got a troupe of pretty tasty Morris Dancers in these parts and I haven’t done the dirty deed with any of them. And that’s something to be proud of!

Just take your wife along to see Marjorie and things will be sorted out in no time at all.

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! If a man offers to show you his tackle, don’t assume that he’s got his fishing rod in his hand!

 

 

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