Dear Aunty Jean,
last night, just as we got into bed, my husband said to me that he was a little bored with how things were between us and he said that he’d like me to start ‘talking dirty’ to him.
I was very upset by this as you can imagine. I did put a brave face on it however and tried to give it a go.
Well, it was a disaster. I could hardly think of anything to say and the best I came out with was ‘I think your human cucumber is quite attractive’. As I was saying this I could feel myself turning scarlet!
I have told my husband that it just won’t work for me and said I don’t want him to bring it up again.
But today I am feeling a little unsettled about giving it up right away. What if he looks elsewhere to have this urge fulfilled?
Yours, hoping you can work your magic on my problem, Wanda, Torquay
Aunty Jean says:
Dear Magic Wand,
I haven’t heard of this ‘talking dirty’ thing before. You mention cucumbers, has your husband got a vegetable patch and he wants you to discuss it? I’m afraid I don’t see what there is to blush about there!
The dirty talk, I assume, alludes to his use of compost?
Just a minute, my devoted secretary Miss Tiffany has been on the internet and she’s found a few ‘dirty talk’ websites. Just let me have a read through……………………..
Disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! I cannot believe what I have just read!
And your husband wants you to graphically describe the obscene parts of his anatomy?
Oh I’ll work my magic alright! I am posting a bar of soap out to you and the next time your husband embarks on this monstrous behaviour, shove it in his mouth and tell him to go and wash it out!
If you have any more trouble from him, then divorce him and get yourself someone normal.
The man’s a pervert!
Hope that help! Aunty Jean
Remember! I like a big marrow as much as the next woman!