Dear Aunty Jean
I haven’t really got a problem.
Apart from the fact that the train ride up to ‘HMP Frickerslee’, my husband is serving 6 years for embezzlement, is fairly long and my feet swell during the journey. So I’ve bought support tights and am only visiting him once every 3 months now.
A couple of happy side-effects to his being jailed are that my housework has been vastly cut down and the dog has got a lot more room in our bed.
The dog has better personal habits than my husband too. Here’s hoping that hubby doesn’t get that time off for good behaviour!
Anyway, back to my reason for writing to you: I have started a Jean Price fan club!
I would of course like your endorsement. I am offering, for just £30 a year, a poster of yourself, a ‘Jean says BREXIT’ t-shirt and a mug with your head on it. The club already has 2 members, myself and my friend Mabel who was short-changed once by a foreign taxi driver and has never got over it. 11p is 11p after all!
I do hope you approve of the club!
I think your advice is just wonderful and 82% of the population (internet poll) may call you a fascist, but to me you will always be the face of patriotism!
I have also composed a short poem which I am thinking of having on your fan club website:
Jean, of us British you are the best,
We admire you for admitting that you wear a vest,
No wonder Miss Tiffany is devoted to you,
And we, your fans, certainly are too!
The dreadful Raine Vincent is as common as muck,
She doesn’t have your courage and pluck,
She needs gallons of drink to get her through life,
And it’s fair to say she’s a serial wife.
So keep marching on dear Jean,
You are a shoulder on which the bewildered lean,
A paragon of virtue you surely are,
Your sound advice is ever-so above par!
What do you think?
I hope to hear from you soon. I salute you!
Your uber fan, Maxine, Splatt, Cornwall
Aunty Jean says:
Dear uber Splatt,
I have to say that I am deeply touched by a fan club springing up in my honour! The poem is wonderful. I do hope that you’re prepared for the hundreds of thousands of people who will be beating your door down to join!
I will be more than happy to provide signed photographs at £25 each. I have a particularly lovely photo of myself from our local am-dram society’s latest production, which I starred in. I am in costume as Queen Victoria, it’s true I am 18 inches taller than she was, but I still gave a magnificent performance in the musical ‘Queen Victoria sings Leonard Cohen’. I hadn’t heard of the man before, but we had the rather wonderful Bert Angelino on the xylophone and he really made Cohen’s cheery music come to life. It was a fabulous show!
These local newspaper drama critics know nothing, of course. Robert Millward (Essex Daily Observer) said while he was watching my show that he felt like he was having an acid trip.
What has falling over with a beaker of acid got to do with anything???????
The man’s an idiot!
Anyway, yes of course I endorse your fan club! Do keep in touch and let me know how it’s going. I will sign a couple of hundred photographs tomorrow. My arm may hurt like hell afterwards but if Miss Tiffany massages it for me for an hour or 2 afterwards, it should be fine.
Hope that helps! Aunty Jean
Remember! The only fans Raine Vincent has got are the ones she dances with!