Hot Chat Magazine

Dear Aunty Raine,

I see you have been absent from Hot Chat Magazine problem page for quite some time. I do hope you are OK!

But what a relief to see the announcement that you are back!

Anyway, on with my problem: I am a young woman of 28 and am starting to worry that I may never get married. I try really hard at every relationship I have and every date I go on.

Just last week I went on a first date with a promising chicken plucker from our local poultry factory, but he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Like has happened on many dates before, this man got up to go to the toilet halfway through dinner and never came back. I did catch sight of him as I was looking up and down the road for him, he appeared to have jumped on the roof of a delivery van and was screaming ‘Drive! Drive!’ at the top of his voice at the driver.

He didn’t even wait for a taxi.

I’ve gone back over the evening in my mind but can’t see where it all went wrong .

I paid for a romantic violinist to serenade us at our table, had a bouquet of roses delivered to him, had rose petals scattered over his head at intervals by the waiters, brought holiday brochures along for him to look at, I do believe on planning ahead and should we have ended up getting married it just makes sense to decide on a honeymoon destination as soon as possible. I put my cards on the table re our married life and told him straight, my mother coming to live with us from the off is a deal breaker!

I thought the date was going very well, he didn’t disagree with anything I said. Although to be fair he didn’t say much after he first sat down and I told him I’d seen a wedding/engagement ring set that I quite liked.

I just thought he was a bit tired perhaps. I mean, if you’re plucking for eight hours a day, it must take it’s toll on you.

I also said I didn’t like the idea of him having friends as they would only lead him astray. I didn’t broach the subject of him putting some distance between him and his family as I did think it was possibly too soon for that.

Where am I going wrong? I’d make a brilliant wife, I know this because my mother tells me all the time.

Yours, on the shelf, desperate but still hopeful, Luna, Margate

Aunty Raine says:

Dear desperate Looney,

firstly I have been away self isolating because of the cronie virus saucepandemic. Well, when I say self isolating it was more enforced as I was in prison.

I was released after serving 2 years because the appeal court judges agreed that it was indeed just a coincidence that I’ve now had 2 husbands die from, accidentally and totally without interference from me, eating poisonous mushrooms.

One of the judges pointed out that he and his friend Alan both turned up at work that day in green socks. Like he said ‘coincidences happen!’

So that’s my news! My wonderful husband, famed ex gameshow host Vince Vincent is dead. I was devastated of course, but not as much as our local postlady who it turned out DID have a baby by him!

Yes, I know!

I can’t blame her, with his silver grey quiff he was pretty irresistible. We’ve actually become quite good pals and she and little Vincent are regular visitors since I’ve come home.

As soon as the wee man has learned to dance properly I’m taking him to visit Vince’s grave.

And did I mention my wonderful daughter Shanice Denise got married? She did vey well for herself! He was a dictator of a small country situated in the Atlantic Ocean, quite near Russia, if memory serves. I think they could have had a wonderful life together if he hadn’t been overthrown by the public. He died whilst trying to swim away from them as they waved their pitchforks on the beach. But someone had tampered with his water wings and the last Shanice Denise saw of him, he was waving wistfully at her and shouting ‘Fetch me a bicycle pump love!’

She was heartbroken. Thank God she met a nice chap just 3 weeks later and they’re still going strong. Big Dickie Scarface Taggart is one of life’s gentle giants.

But that’s enough of my news. Now onto your problem.

I have to say that you’re coming on a bit strong. Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!

On your next first date I suggest not being so needy, instead of rose petals being thrown at him, see how serious he is by tipping a glass of wine over his head. If he sticks around, you know you’ve made a good impression!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! They don’t serve alcohol in prison so start up an affair with a bent prison officer, willing to smuggle you vodka in, on your first day!

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