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Dear Aunty Raine,

I have always been someone who takes pride in herself. I am sixty four and it’s fair to say that I look  a good deal younger. I stick to a rigid health and diet regime and have regular botox as I have no intention of becoming a wrinkled old prune. I also have breast/buttock implants and lip fillers. I am saving up for a facelift.

My problem is that my husband is nothing like me. He doesn’t care less what he looks like. He is bald, overweight and eats whatever he likes.

Just this evening I tried tempting him with a delicious meal of lettuce, raw carrots, lettuce, raw broccoli, more lettuce and half an egg white with lettuce.

He turned his nose up at it and ordered a takeaway pizza.

I really want him to change his ways so that we both turn heads when we go out!

How can I get through to him that he will look a lot better, for instance, if he wears the subtle toupee I bought for him from ‘Harry’s Hair-o-drome’ a very exclusive ‘Wiggiers’ that I found online?

It really is lovely and only cost me £600!

I have enclosed some photographs so you can admire me for an hour or two and have a look at the lovely wig, which I have taken a snapshot of also.

Yours, taking 300 selfies a day, Tamara, Bradford

Aunty Raine says:

Dear taking Bradford,

No parents from Bradford would have called their daughter ‘Tamara’ 64 years ago, so you can just push off with that nonesense!

I didn’t have my glasses on first thing, they became trapped in my beehive hair-do last night when I was on my way back home from the pub and I had to wait for my Vince to get up this morning and cut them out for me.

Anyway I couldn’t read what you’d written on the backs of the pictures, or in your letter. I said to Vince, as he got the shears to my head ‘Why has someone sent me a picture of a road-kill badger?’ It turns out that I was looking at the picture of the wig that you sent.

This wig that you’ve paid £600 for used to have innards.

I’m just saying!

And then I said  ‘Oh my God! Someone’s sent me a picture of a corpse!’

Imagine my surprise when I finally got my reading glasses back on and read on the back of the photograph ‘Tamara Corfu 2018’.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a living person’s ribs more clearly before.

You want my advice? Have a party sized cheesecake for dinner and donate the wig to a charity for bald cats.

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! Whoever invented lettuce should be sectioned!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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